Incel

IncelAt fifty, traveling clown Christian Candison learned everything he knew from a cereal box.It taught him geography, history, mathematics, and that triangles had three sides."e;Three,"e; he whispered.For the first time, Christian understood geometry—and immediately distrusted it.For twenty-seven years, he had traveled with the Magnificent Josan Schnur Circus, performing with buckets, foam pies, and a one-wheeled bicycle.Josan Schnur lived inside Christian's head.He had appeared after Christian's surfing accident on Lake Yuron at eighteen, when he was castrated and became an incel- an event that permanently changed Christian's body and life.Years later, after a bizarre Mexican prison adventure, inmates gave Christian Candison the name Josan Schnur.He kept it.Josan became the angry, reckless version of Christian.Christian was tired.Josan was angry.Neither was happy.Christian carried his cereal-box diploma everywhere, including Leachin', his bait shop.His only friends were Lolee, Lala, and Losler.They were imaginary.He knew that.That didn't make them less important.Josan believed pleasure was a conspiracy.Everyone else seemed to understand happiness, companionship, and love.He didn't.Josan remembered everything.The accident.The prison.The rejection.The loneliness.He collected memories until they became a prison inside his head.The circus advertised:THE AMAZING EDUCATED CLOWN!Josan hated the applause because he wanted it too.He wanted recognition for surviving.So he invented the Golden Medal of Not Giving Up.It was imaginary.It was also his only award.Maybe he hadn't been stupid.Maybe nobody had ever bothered to teach him.That frightened Josan.If Christian could learn at fifty, what else had been possible?Regret was easier when you believed you had no choice.Choice meant responsibility.Responsibility meant admitting he was lonely.And that he wanted to be loved.Christian enrolled in college.His psychology professor asked why."e;Because I don't know who I am."e;Josan felt threatened.Real people were replacing imaginary ones.Isolation was predictable.People weren't.People could hurt you.They could also surprise you.For once, Josan decided he was willing to find out what came next.At Lake Yuron, Josan imagined someone neither he nor Christian knew.Someone who hadn't happened yet.That was progress.Christian sold Leachin' and donated it to the museum of clowns.One afternoon, Christian found the original cereal box he recieved his education from.He took it to the lake."e;Thank you,"e; he said."e;You're thanking cereal?"e; Josan asked."e;Yes."e;"e;That's pathetic."e;"e;Probably."e;Josan shrugged.Christian smiled.The lake was calm.For once, Josan didn't see the accident or prison.He saw water.Just water."e;Do you think we're okay?"e; Christian asked."e;No."e;Christian frowned."e;I think we're becoming okay."e;At fifty-two, Christian understood what the cereal box never taught him:Education isn't knowing all the answers. It's discovering better questions.He still didn't know what happiness was.He didn't know whether loneliness ever disappeared.He wondered if he would be an incel his entire life.Christian looked across Lake Yuron.